Switch!

Most of my life, my ideal holiday would involve leaving the US.

And lately, my ideal holiday is going to the US. Funky chunky.

Schooled.

OMFG. Just got back from the gym. I decided to try out the new oriental dance (aka belly dancing) class they have. Me being DUMB, I thought - cool, should like most such classes I've taken - slightly watered down for the foreigners eager to try.

Um, no.

It wasn't long before I realized I was the ONLY non-local in the room, e.g. the only person who didn't grow up watching and rocking this shit my whole life. EFFING BRILLIANT.

I was falling behind a lotttt at the beginning when she was doing the "standard moves" they all knew, but between the much more familiar moves she started selecting and my sheer stamina to shake, I was keeping up with the best of them by the end. Wow. Oriental dance class with people who are born naturals is a whole new league of fun. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!

Home Sick

I was born July 25, 1983. My passport was first stamped May 11, 1984. Of course, this first big trip was with my family, but it wasn't long before I was taking trips without them. In middle school and high school I loved school trips and summer camps. Although I lived on my college campus just 40 minutes from home, by the time I started my sophomore year at college, I'd spent more time on internships in Florida and Suzhou than in class / in Michigan. In each case, I constantly met people crushed by homesickness - yes even at college I consoled Michiganders. It always seemed so strange to me. I couldn't imagine ever feeling like that.

Then sophomore year I joined AIESEC, whereby I traveled to 26 more countries, and become a temporary resident of Canada, the Netherlands, and now Jordan. Things changed a bit in AIESEC, with regards to seeing people being homesick. Folks in AIESEC pride themselves on strength and determination in the face of challenge or differences. Not letting any difference shake our values of tolerance and understanding. While to my hometown friends, living in Jordan is absolutely inconceivable, to my AIESEC network, its just another match.

Well, its happened. I'm homesick. I am not superhuman. Damnit.

There are numerous factors that can set the stage for homesickness, how intensely homesick you are, and how long and often you feel homesick. In my case its partially because I've never felt home was so inaccessible, based on available resources like time, money, and distance (I'm not that much further than, say, the Netherlands, but transit time with stopovers is a whole lot hairier / requires even more time off work). Its partially because I'm here for a 12 month contract and at 6 months, the pending decisions I'll be making lead to questioning how long I want or can handle to be away from home, and if it would ever be possible for me not live in the US permanently again. And finally, its partially because, if I look back, I chose to feel this. I remember ending my AI year, having been in 20 countries within 12 months, and thinking: my brain has been stretched but something is missing - I was always on the go, which was hard, but also meant when something was uncomfortable, I knew it was only a matter of time when it would no longer affect me. Jordan, amongst the many reasons for coming, was part of learning I wanted, of being in an environment I might not be comfortable, and couldn't just say - sod it, next!

So I decided to reflect upon my feelings, and also share them. It’s refreshing and uplifting, not depressing, for me to do so, so I can be conscious of, appreciative of, and learn from what I am experiencing. I feel at peace recognizing that this isn’t easy. Sometimes, because amongst peers moving to Jordan is so normal, and because we expats try so hard to be strong, that we fool not only the people around us, but ourselves, into thinking this is a cake walk, and become self critical and surprised when low and behold, it sometimes isn’t. And I almost feel like its not fair to only share to only tell people about all the amazing things I’m learning about the society, politics, culture, and business, the new people I’m meeting, and post pictures of the crazy cool places I’ve have the privilege to see.

So here’s a quick snapshot of the tough side and my experience of homesickness:

It isn't easy being an American, to move to a developing, Muslim, Arab, Arabic-speaking country. It isn't easy never knowing what the rules are, and if you thought you learned them, they change. It isn't easy adjusting to big cultural differences - like people telling you something that is not true because they are trying to help, but you feel you’ve been lied to and have subsequently wasted exorbitant amounts of time and energy using false information. It isn't easy not being able to speak the native language, and therefore always need to ask others for help, feel like a burden, and need to wait for others to make time or care >sometimes, naturally, they don’t<. Its not just about the wait, but the helplessness of not being able to do simple things like set up your internet. It isn't easy wanting to just settle in, but have people gawk and stare at you every single day. It isn't easy never allowing yourself to be excited about anything anymore, because things are inevitable to change, so disappointment is veiled by the misuse of “inshallah”.

And its just as much about the cultural challenges, as the inner conflict at every moment of frustration or intolerance. Being American, you feel you have this chip on your shoulder to be particularly culturally sensitive, so people won’t assume you’re ignorant, as they almost always initially do. And as it is about missing home. Just hanging out family and friends who know you and love you and don't judge you nearly as pettily and quickly as new people inevitably do, just based on less encounters to create a perception from. Or the moment you crave picking up something from a store that isn't here.

And here again is another disclaimer, in closing, in fear of seeming utterly intolerant and negative: this isn’t a tirade against living abroad, or in Jordan. Although, we are all inevitably ignorant and to some extent initially intolerant of what we have never seen, which Sarah eloquently reflects upon. This says nothing of all my learnings and smiles here. Like I said, its just empowering for me to be conscious (in a balanced way) of what I'm experiencing. >self pat on back for taking this challenge and for being homesick for the first time<

If you give a mouse a cookie...

Now that I have a car, I miss drive-thru Starbucks. :(

bffs in Jordan

My bffs in Jordan:
1. Excel
2. my planner
3. tupperware
4. desiree
5. ale
6. Betty
7. Tricky
8. tomatoes
9. sparkles
10. useless

Ale's bffs in Jordan:
1. cigarettes
2. basics
3. potatoes
4. tv
5. shirley
6. mohammad & mutaz
7. 2nd circle showarma
8. her bed (until 3pm Fridays)
9. tricky
10. useless

Me & Ale's un-bffs in Jordan:
1. "welcome to Jordan"
2. taxi drivers
3. spies
4. rich kid's brother
5. Ramadan
6. acting concerned when actually just spying
7. scary early morning prayers
8. strange woman and man monkey donkey neighbors
9. dropping the "drunk" bomb
10. Jafra

Ale & Shirley's special moments in Jordan:
1. monkey moments - precious
2. stop chewing when people are looking game (Ramadan)
3. scary forehead bright orange hat man
4. car stopping nai mansion night
5. amigo's night 1 - martin's good morning tap
6. "gotta feeling" at embassy
7. extremely happy charades
8. mais karaoke lasanga salad story telling night
9. being 100 meters behind everyone in zarqa ma'in
10. landlord interview
11. 80s singing police report night
12. douchebag night - "I know you do"

Identity in Amman

In 10th grade, a friend and I went to a weekend class at Umich about "identity." At that point I didn't know or understand the concept, but it was beginning of a deep love affair with introspection.

An activity we learned which I have done since then, sometimes once a week, sometimes one a year, but every year since then, is simple: you just take a sheet of paper and write "identity" at the top and then start scribbling all the things that are a part of who you are.

Since that time, the next step of this activity I experienced in college was looking at this list and saying: in my current context: which am I most aware of? Least aware? Bring privilege? Limit opportunities? Other are most aware of?

For both, the idea was to get a glimpse of the breadth and depth of things that influence how you behave, your lens of the world, how you are perceived, and how you interact with others. Yes, of course, many of these things are "labels" - cue moans- but consciousness of these social groupings, not defying / ignoring them, is what empowers you to make conscious decisions.

I was running through these exercises this morning and realized this is an interesting way to look at the experience I am living here in Jordan. Nothing too novel or shocking but still helpful to set it out and look at it and I felt more inclined to do this as a means of sharing, as opposed to an overdue what's-new-in-life-what-cool-learnings-and-things-have-I-experienced update. May come, but not today! Toooooo formidable today.

ID List: Abridged list of what came to mind, the interesting thing about this activity is afterwards taking a look at what is *new*, and also the order in which you added things...

• 26*
• intern*
• Jordanian resident
• Jordanian firm employee
• sustainability consultantancy employee
• female/woman
• Chinese
• American (note, not Chinese-American....)
• university graduate
• Gen Y
• able
• vegetarian
• girlfriend
• Christian*
• employed*
• Shmeisani resident*
• Asian
• middle class
• flatmate
• daughter
• sister
• aunt
• cousin
• single (a.k.a. not married)

Simple trends: my new job is a big part of my life, religion usually doesn't come onto my list except as afterthought, not surprisingly (and slightly sadly) my role in my family is less forward after months away, and.... yay that vegetarian isn't toooo salient - its been easy here haha.

Most Aware: with strangers

1. Female. Walking around in the streets alone, of course it is extremely safe in Jordan, but I am most accutely conscious that I'm female. From the gawking and hooting to the attention and care, this piece of my ID is most unavoidable.
2. Middle Class. I realized with my flatmate that in most places we've lived, the classes are mostly separated within the city (ha, or suburb.) We compared to our experiences in NYC or Mexico City even, and you typically do within minutes see the full range of socio-economic classes to this extent. Here it is a relatively small city, so all those differences found in most cities are compressed into fewer square miles.
3. Asian. Of course in other contexts this is something strangers see, but here I am assumed to be from Asia of course (obviously not the case in most place in the states.)
4. American. This is for when I'm in business meetings with strangers whereby whether you are Arab or from the West really affects perceptions and context.

Most Aware: with acquaintances

1. Intern. Obvs.
2. Vegetarian. Well you know, when hanging out, we eat! ;p
3. 26. Friends here range from 30s, twenties, to early twenties/teens. The last few years, my constant daily network didn't have such a range, so here I sense it a lot with regards to maturity and behaviour and my expectations of others.

K, didnt plan to do full activity; thought this bit was interesting.

Ya'allah bye! :)

"A different way to think about creative genius"

Extrapolated from an email to my AI team:

At the end of my term on AI, we had a session where we discussed "peaks in life" - acheivement peaks, nothing pervy. Anyways, I left the session feeling a sense of dissonance I could not pinpoint. The main idea that I felt was communicated was: "You should fear not peaking again. Plan your life so that you can be sure it will happen." This may not be what the presenter's purpose was, or what others took away from it, but nevertheless that is how the me of that day saw the message, and it didn't digest well. 9 months later, I figured out why while watching this TED Talk with Elizabeth Gilbert.

Of course, nearly all TED talks are inspiring and brilliant but this one really struck a chord with me, not only because her recent book left a deep impression on me, but because she speaks of the creativity genius of artists - and the pain that often comes from the creative process. I think for those of us, whom I will generalize as dreamers working for a better world, this need and feeling and source or creativity is no different. Picturing a global society that is not entirely like the one we see today is extremely mentally challenging. The challenge of any activist is to keep the dream alive of something you have actually never seen, perhaps for more than a glimpse here or there. You strive your entire life to make a mere moments of reality of vision become a living, constant reality.

She speaks of and understands the lunacy of dreamers, when misdirected. I know I have felt this.

Circling back to my initial connection with the session at the end of my AI term, I think her ideas speak to the great successes we have already seen in our lives and a great perspective on how to never fear to not have that light shine again. What's more, we should not anticipate this light. We should not plan for this light,k persay, but rather be ready to accept it when it comes, and just do our damn well best in the meantime. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW! Bring it on, life.

Yes... so... for the sake of your sanity and self love - watch this:
http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=66876484323&h=QJjl0&u=dXRLm&ref=mf

Happy Happy Joy Joy

[Posted from March 24, 2009]

Jes. Things are lovely here. I am a very happy Shirley. There are so many thing attributing to my happiness. I think from a contextual perspective, I think one thing that feels really special is that this is my first time in a new country where I didn’t have some “role”… where nearly NO ONE treats me a bit differently because of my job title. I don’t mean to sound presumptuous, but really, in the context of the last 3 years, this is a refreshing gift – not because I was miserable the last years because of it, but its just a new fresh found freedom. Then there is the fact that I am not working, after having learned very truly, that work is wonderful, valuable, exciting, but in the end, I do not live for work. It is just one dimension of my sense of self. This is a nice shift for me, given my previous work experience and cultural context, w.r.t. the role of work in US culture / American’s sense of self/worth, and even Chinese culture. So those are a few amongst some more macro level reasons I’m peaceful happies.

Then, really, AIESEC Jordan rocks my socks. There is this GREAT, friendly, intense energy from the members both as a group and individually. And this stems from the broader context of INCREDIBLE hospitality of Jordanians. It is a dream. People seem so selfless as hosts and ambassadors of the Middle East in my life. From my airport pickup, to my full day tour of Jordan with my intern buddy Ahmad and his brother, to my very sweet reception party, to the birthday party for Francis, one of the interns, that I just got home from… its really a thrill and pleasure to meet with these great people. And speaking of interns, there is a really lovely intern / CEED / intl MC community in Amman right now. This dynamic will surely ebb and flow during the year, its own system that is changing, but its really lovely people. I feel quite blessed to meet the people that are here. Especially wonderful have been Ahmad and Deborah, who check up on my constantly to see if I’m well, and are always willing to help me when I need anything, although really, everyone is generous and great. Gah.

Being in Jordan is in and of itself another pleasure and huge contributor to the bliss I feel. Yes, as the theory goes, overall, I am in the honey moon period of being in a new country… but sod it. That’s part of the experience. Live up the bliss and live up the pain. So right now, I’d rather just be happy I’m happy than worry about possible downturns. Its good enough I know that its possible. Oh dear, I digress. So Jordan. Gah! Wonderful, beautiful, yay. I am in Amman, and have yet much to explore here, but was lucky enough to see the Roman amphitheatre, citadel, and a great archaeological museum, eat at some of the classic places here (Jafra, Hashim), and generally drive through lots of different areas. And last weekend I was in Qaraq walking through a FLIPPING MASSIVE brilliant castle. It was sick. You could be walking down a corridor and there’d just be a dark staircase leading off to who knows what and you could see whatever you wanted. No, I wasn’t that adventurous, but just the fact that we (me, Cecilia, and Sasha) COULD have gone adventuring is badass enough, thanks.

Other fun things about Jordan so far (yay for many months of learning yet to come) include… the FOOD. Some people still guffaw at the fact I don’t eat meat, but its seriously so much easier to go meatless here. That’s one thing. Also, um yes, yum. Not to mention cheap. For those of you relying on Trader Joe’s for hommus, imagine getting that normal size tub, about an inch tall, for $.50… but wait... what’s more – its fresh and damn yummier. The hommus that has been in my fridge for the last 3 days is JUST starting to taste like what it tastes like when I get it in the US. Haha. And yay for falafel. And yay for yoghurt. And yay for brilliant breakfast foods like zitar… purr. And yay for sickly cheap veggies for cooking.

Other stuff I’ve experienced so far, that I just enjoy and find interesting, is the fact that you have a weekly allowance of water, and if you exceed that, then deal with it (for your apartment – shower/kitchen sink/etc). A coffee café (Gloria Jean’s) bigger than any I’ve ever been to before – its like its own library but just tables and people, wtf. Its normal to leave home with just $15 cash for the day, nothing else, no extra credit cards, etc. (This took a few days for my risk aversity to adjust to). Its flipping cold here – it’s not all hot and deserty nonstop like the stereotype… And I figured that, but I was shocked that it is like SICK cold! Jes… that’s some of it.

About work: Its been lovely thus far. The office is quite pretty and fresh and in a lovely area in Amman, dangerously close to a massive Zara and Mango. (and by the way, yes, don’t worry, there is a quite large Calvin Klein underwear opening, so I’m all set). The people are all smart, friendly, and pleasant. Most notably Barbara, who was also an intern, is really helpful in my transition. I never feel too overwhelmed or underworked. She’s great. And there is a really freaking nice guy, Mohammad, who picks me up and drops me off from work since he lives near me. It’s such a blessing. Besides Barbara and Darin, the people I work with are Jordanian, so yes, all the same things apply that I mentioned before about being really friendly and hospitable and thoughtful. Thus far the projects I’m working on are interesting and I enjoy the work itself. I guess I feel a bit weird disclosing specific stuff about work since this is a public blog… so jes.

Um, random other happy stuffs is my apartment. Its been a bit of a gong show actually, but OVERALL, I like it a lot. Its just for a month for now, as I’m supposed to be moving into a new flat with 2 new folks who are arriving in a few weeks, but I’m enjoying it. It’s a studio, and the furniture and overall set up is quite nice. At first I didn’t have hot water and a fridge and stove, but it was actually manageable since the first week I ate out a lot to stay social, and there is an intern/ational flat nearby that I could walk to in 5minutes to shower. So anyways, all those things are sorted out, and so this weekend I was able to do massive grocery shopping, so I’m also on cloud nine from finally cooking a proper meal today. Yes, it was spaghetti, which isn’t the most complicated dish, but the sauce was just to my liking with shredded carrots and red pepper, garlic, onions, tomato, tomato paste, quite great basil and oregano and parsley, olive oil, and my latest happy marinara ingredient – hot peppers. Yummmmmmmm! Its always nice to have a meal just how you wanted, and its nice for me to feel comfortable cooking in my kitchen after 2 weeks of relying on eating out.

Alright. That’s a “snapshot” of the happy happy joy joy in my life. Although I’m not sure this qualifies as a snapshot… since its long, and not brief, and not a photo… ;p Jes. Sleepy now. Nights.

Marhaba from Amman! – Context Post :)

[Posted from March 24, 2009]

So I’m about 2 weeks behind on updates about my new adventure in Jordan due to a) non-stop busy-ness / madness / social stuffs / fun / happies, b) no internet at my apartment, and c) for some reason I have not been able to post on blogger. So now I am just at home finally with a bit of time to just relax and write this offline. And probably in the next day or two when I post this if it doesn’t work on blogger then I’ll just resort to facebook notes. Jes.

Ok. So first thing. Wow. I have a job. When did that happen? It was quite an abrupt end to both my happy holidays and to my job hunt. I had spent August – January really learning to enjoy life, people, and not value only productivity, pain, and development. In some ways it was quite a shift from the past few years, or rather, my life, in the sense of my value of work and peace, but in some ways it was just a logical extension of my character. It seems paradoxical, but I was ever as curious and disciplined about the act of learning with regards to peace and enjoyment, as I had been about leadership and performance. Before the holidays, and often times during, I got advice from people about taking some time off, supplemented my learning with reading, and of course, reflected on the experience to see how I was reacting and to be sure I was on track with remembering the purpose - conscious peaceful living.

Right. So my job. I started the whole soul searching reflection process throughout December, and had planned since April, to finally let myself start dreaming of my next steps in January. Indeed it was a specific choice and effort to focus on dreaming and not worrying about my career. Well, January came and went – Carolyn visited, Sarah visited, the Pimppad had a glorious reunion, and Joyce’s Bachelorette in Disney was brilliant. Suddenly it was February and I thought: SHIT. I am a worthless lazy sack of crap. GET ON THIS! So in that ½ week back from Disney I applied to 2 positions, was selected for an interview for one, and before the interview the next week, had set up a phone call with Darin.

Well short story short – by the end of my call with Darin it was nearly settled – I was on my way to spend next year in Amman. Of course before finally confirming, I did extensive and nonstop research about facts about Amman for my family’s peace of mind, before breaking the news. And within a week my flight was booked!

The internship is for one year at a firm called “Sustainability Excellence Arabia”. My boss, Darin, started this firm about 2 years. He’s a former PAI, but more importantly, a former MCP of AIESEC Canada. Woot woot! It was lucky I had thought a lot about what I was looking for and the types of paths I was interested in, because I knew when speaking to him about the firm’s work and intention and my learning opportunities it was a great fit straight away. The firm does management consulting, with sustainability as the lens of opportunity, as well as work on reporting, papers, and development of sustainability leadership business networks – and all of this across the Middle East. I was looking for such a firm – where there is both micro and macro level work / approaches – I’d felt so torn feeling that I needed to choose either working on change via business or institutions, but not both. I was also looking for a firm working in sustainability in the real sense of the word – not just environmental development, but economic and social. HURRAH! I had spoken to someone at SustainAbility just a few weeks prior, and the description of the firm was quite similar, just with a different market focus regionally, and asked her specifically: Cool, so your you currently have a hiring freeze, but can you please please please recommend other firms that have the same ambition and scope of work as SustainAbility? And she said: Frankly, there aren’t many. Many of the other notable sustainability consulting firms are purely environmentally focused. I was pretty let down, but also felt good that I had more clarity on the type of firm I wanted to work for… so yes, the point is, where I am working now is actually exactly what I was looking for…but I figured in some years, not… now! Yes, so the weekend this all came to pass I was quite hyper happy to get this opportunity.

Then of course, reality hit. I was feeling pretty dragged down by the reactions I was getting from some… some people were thrilled for me. Others, simply out of being over protective, for example, were less outwardly happy. And of course, I was outright angry in some cases, for example – picking up the kids at daycare with my sister, someone’d ask what I’m doing next, and I say: Oh, I’m moving to Jordan. And the reactions would be: “Oh goodness! Is that safe?” “You won’t be able to come home much will you?” “Wow, that’s far, ah?” I was definitely biased and sensitive, but really there was this doubtful unsupportive worried look on peoples faces… I was angry because I remember the looks when I said I was moving to Holland. It was interest, excitement. That sort of thing.

And of course, I had other emotions: at the end of the day, this would be my first time just packing and moving for a full year in a very new context. I had lived in Toronto and Holland, and although VERY different in many ways, still similar the US in the sense that they are still western cultures, and of course, “developed.” And of course I have been to many countries in Asia, but it is not the same visiting for 1-2 weeks and living somewhere for a year… where you really experience the full stages of “culture shock/experience” – if something is uncomfortable, you have to really experience it, you can’t just leave the country. Although I seem quite adventurous in some people’s eyes, I’m actually quite risk averse, sensitive, and weigh my decision quite carefully. I had applied to the MC of Egypt the same year I applied to be MC RVP Canada, but decided to focus on my Canadian and US options, because I wanted my first year out of college to be productive/effective, and not “sacrifice productivity” for the cultural experience, which I felt I was not ready for and would be quite consuming, albeit in good ways, of my attention. So this move was/is really special to finally have the courage to take the jump. Its strange… some days, or rather, most days/times, I felt like it was no big deal at all. I thought: “Whatever! I’ve been to 30 countries, I’ve been to Egypt and Turkey (yes, not Middle East but was in city v. near Syria), its just a year, whatevs!” But of course, there were moments I thought: “Oh my crap. What am I doing. I am 25. How can I still be adventurous? Stop this. You’re going to exhaust yourself. And you’re moving to the Middle Eas? Really? Why? Be normal. This is not normal. Your friends have stopped these adventures. Crap. Crap. What have I done? It’s a YEAR! A whole YEAR!” I guess I just felt the need to share this since this freaking out is natural and happens to the best of us… I feel sometimes just because of the type of peers I have from AIESEC, that on the one hand we make exchange so important, but then when we do it or talk about people’s experience and feelings, we try to make it so trivial… blasé. Trying to explain this better… Its like its so normal that I’m going to (am in) Jordan in some contexts, that I have to remind myself this IS special and scary and great because it scary! Special thanks to Vikas and my dear cousin Jen for reminding me that this is exciting, when I forget to be excited and conscious. :)

I’ll wrap up this post and try to see how on earth to frame my thoughts about being here in Jordan… Its been 2 weeks already… I have SO much on my mind. Every single day has been extraordinary. Too formidable a task to play catch up on sharing the time here so far… gahhhhhhhhhh.

TGIF! :)

Yes, I am now in the Middle East, where the weekend starts Thursday night, but GAHHHH! I LOVE FRIDAYS! Just sunshine and serenity... time to recooperate. After such a long break of no work and every day was a "weekend", I once again appreciate the weekend.

Also, yay. My blog is working / publishing again. So I can transfer some posts in and get back on track. Hip hip hooray! Slash... I cannot adjust the font now. That's a strange new development. Bugger.

Bopping to the the sweet sounds and rhythm of life... -s

True CV

Jetlagged, random ideas in my mind.

I was reminiscing about really positive happy times in my life, not longingly, just smiling. Then I thought - you know, moments like that are really things I am proud of.

Then I thought, hey! Its funny how we spend so much time bringing clarity and eloquence to our professional accomplishments in resumes/CVs, but rarely for the things we are deep deep proud of.

THEN I thought, sheesh. That would be so awks for people to know about those types of things. It was already challenging enough last year, for example, when Gabiza made each of us (AI0708) stand up in front of the team and say what we have accomplished confidently, and those were mostly professional accomplishments, or things about sports, at least. Then I thought - sheesh, that's kind of sad that I bet a lot of people, including myself, would really be so shy to allow ourselves to be proud of doing good things. Then I thought about how those "25 random facts" types stuffs seem like the main kind of alternate outlets for reflecting and saying things that you really think are neat.

Us Gen Ys are funnies. I guess at least its good its happening in some shape or form.

I think clarity on these moments would definitely be valuable. Personally, along the same frame of "positive leadership", its good to know in which situations or environments you are shining, thriving. Yes of course what you have done is not exactly who you are, but this consciousness of what drives you would contribute to your sense of self. And interpersonally it would add a new dynamic for how people connect, judge, or what have you, than just what you do at work or even what your hobbies are.

Eureka, yet another fun self-concocted self-awareness reflection thinger! Less talk, more do. What would be some of the things on my true CV?

- making the credits of a film about cancer played at an independent film festival just for stopping in on a patient and having down to earth fun talk while playing connect four and other silly kids games, while volunteering on the oncology ward at Mott's Children Hospital - he ended up shooting a documentary about his experience. perhaps sticks out more in my mind since he passed away some months after I attended this screening :(
- every time I learn from and facilitate the privilege walk - the reactions of individuals who had an a-ha and hearing when its continued
- sitting down with someone at IPM06 who was clearly feeling out and just smiling and being normal and that person thanking me, letting me know they appreciated it and felt more confident and "in" at end of conf. yay inclusiveness (specific instance, not a general one)
- finding out a friend of mine was in the midst of a year or nomading and had no camera, heading straight to best buy and buying one, and shipping it to her under the pretense that she thought and still thinks it was an old camera one of my mom's church friends didn't need (yay that she doesn't know my blog site, hehe)

Jes. That would be part of it. Thinking as a faci: how did it feel to write those things knowing I'd click "publish post" after? Well, quite awks. I had a lot of things in my mind but when I started typing I felt a bit shy about writing them out and careful about how I wrote them to make sure I didn't seem like a conceited self righteous freak of nature, because somehow being happy for being nice feels super bad, but being proud about increasing performance of an org is super ok.

Makes me think of the concept of "closeting". Of the ways that we can feel ashamed about parts of who we are and keep them in the dark. Are we closeting goodness?!? Jes, of course, it would be strange to go around telling people: I'm a good person! Look at me! LOOK! Seems to defeat the purpose of having done the nice deed. And even to walk around in your head humming "damn it feels good to be a gansta" and thinking: wowww, I am the shittttt. But I do sometimes even feel bad for even feeling happy about myself when I do something nice. Sounds deranged, but don't put it past me and my outrageous self critical guilt complex! So yes, I reckon I'll think a bit more about this and also will try to remember this question in my mind next time I'm talking to someone and feel compelled to say, "so what do you do?", or, "some weather we've got, eh?" :)

RECESSION.

The answer to everything these days is, "recession."
i.e.) Hey, look at the deals on laptops! - Recession!
i.e.) Nice new Mercedes! - Recession!
i.e.) Why can't you move to Cali yet? - Recession! (housing market)
i.e.) We have the whole palm spring marriot pool/s to ourselves! - Recession!
i.e.) Do I look fat in these jeans? - Recession!

Well, the "good" news from the hippy view slash left mentioned during the elections was woah, this is the ONE topic that will decrease the obsession and rationalization of huge amounts of military spending. Maybe it'll make us (slash them in power) reevaluate where we invest all our moneys!

But woah... lack of thinking from my brain. That also means when people need basic moneys and there are sick amounts of layoffs that Mother Earth is less important a family member these days. Dropped by 15% in the US as a pressing issue in one year. Duh. Damn. Aiya. Bugger. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7852559.stm

Happy New Year! :)

My mom just gave me a red envelope, saying something along the lines of "wishing you to go ten thousand miles and ten thousand wishes coming true"... In old days in China, ten thousand is so big a number it basically means infinite, so its is wishing for you have an amazing huge future and infinite dreams coming true. Its in a standard pretty proverb format - four words, four words, pleasing to the ears. Cutes.

In contrast, my happy lively grandma then also gave me a "hong bao" and said:

1. "Well, you're not married, so you still get one. HAHA! You better not avoid marriage just to get my measly red envelopes!!!", and then while giving me the envelope:
   
2. "Wishing you a super great job and a super great boyfriend!!!" Hahahaha. So Chinese. So grandma-y. :)

So anyways, happy new year! MOOOO! :)

Always a bigger fish.

Here I am thinking my six car pile up on I-5 last weekend was pretty serious, despite no injuries thankfully. Then there's a 100 car pile up in Michigan. OH MY CRAP. Perspective. Perspective.

A journey of a thousand miles... seems pretty damn silly in the beginning and in retrospect :)

I've been asked many times in the last year about my love of self awareness / reflection / introspection / whatevs (words some of my friends, like Kas, who works in finance stuffs thinks that I'm the only one who says such crazy words! Hehe. :)) And I have lots to share, love to talk about it and reflect and learn through these conversations. Coming home I found the place where it all started: I was senile in middle school already. Couldn't tell one day from the other. That's how I started writing.

Here is my sexy first "journal in 6th grade, fucking GO BLUE, ya'll!:


I can't resist showing off how COOL I was decorating the inside cover:


And here it is, the point of this post, wanting to share with the world my very first, really super deep journal entry, I cannot tell you how much this thought has changed my life:

Brightest Bulb on the Tree.

SM: AP! You know, during the elections, it was so cool. On all the Chinese stations, they had my last name all the time, the third of three characters spelling O - Ba - MA. (Also actually in McCain, "Ma - Ka - Ne"). WOOHOOO!

AP: Shirley, your name is in his name in English, too.

SM: .......

I heart my daddy.

After watching "Mulan" on TV, beaming with pride, my daddy begins:

Baba: Did you learn about Chinese history in high school?
Sma: No.
Baba: Did you learn about Arab history?
Sma: No. I didn't even learn about European.
Baba: WHAT?!?!!
Sma: I think they just added it as mandatory recently.
Baba: Poor Americans. >Shaking Head<